im skinny, but i want to be less fat. ironic how the only people that understand me are size 16. its not that i want to be thin because i think my ribs hanging out will make me pretty, i want to be thin, i want to get rid of my fat, because i dont want to become my mother. i want to be healthy. i want to not have the gross layer of flab that makes my thighs wobble, and makes my belly stick out over the top of my jeans. is it so wrong that i dont want to die from a chd? or have a stroke? fat is gross and makes me feel sick. and i want to be lighter to be a good gymnast, and to be a good cheerleader when i go to uni.
im full of myself, i think i am amazing, and inteligent and pretty and the best. but i try not to be arrogant.
i always want to be the best, i want to be better than you, and everyone else, i want to be the strongest, the cleverest, the most agile, the best at everything, and even if your my bestfriend, in my head im having a mental war against you to prove to myself that im the best still.
im an obsessive, i will latch onto something and obsess about it to death, like bleach, and tim minchin, and then i get bored, and dont even think about the thing anymore.
things have to be perfect. i know what i want, and i get it. even if it costs me.
i think my boobs are big, but no one notices, so i think they are small, but then i realise, they are big for my size, but not for other peoples. i want to show off my figure more, but i dont want to be a slut.
it made me endlessly happy that someone picked up on something i have always thought about myself, but no one else seems to. i wish people were a little jealous of me, but they probably arent. i still imagine they are though.
i read smutfic, but it only makes me feel lonely. but i know i cant deal with a boyfriend. i find kinks and fetish's interesting. but i never tell anyone that. cause i feel grossed out by them at the same time. i feel ashamed that i like smutfic, and that i like slashfic. but if you read enough, you realise they ae all exactly the same. the same things happen in the same order, no matter who writes it. i wanna try it myself, but i know i couldnt bring myself to actually have sex, hell i couldnt even let my boyfriend put his tongue in my mouth. the last time that happened, i was 14. and i have no idea if im a good kisser, or a shitty one, or what a good kiss is supposed to feel like. i want a movie life, not reality.
i get bored easily, i like the start and the end, but not the middle, i want elaborate cakes, but i dont want to make them, i want to eat all the time, but i dont want the extra weight. i want to be settled into a very succesful life with all the things that i want, but i dont want to have to wait to get there, and i dont want to get rid of my youth.
im bored of the people i hang with, i want new ones, im ready to move onto university stage, but i have another 2 years to go. i want the 3 A's at a level, but i cant be bothered to work.
i want to drink and be carefree, but i cant let go of my sense in case i kill myself. i dont want to ruin my bladder, and drinking makes my asthma go. i cant get off with anyone i want cause i dont know what they have been eating or doing. i dont like to try new things because i dont know if they will kill me. i like to stick with the things i know because they are safe.
my entire mind is just one big game of tug of war.
i am a mixture of a 6 year old, a 16 year old, and a 36 year old.
i get invited to partys, but id rather stay at home and watch a film cause i know i would just end up running around after all the drunk kids, who disgust me, instead of talking to my friends online or watching things that make me smile.
i am essentialy selfish and self centred.
but thats just me, so take me or leave me.
thats just my mind, i dont show this side of me. i am my own worst nightmare. this is my dark side. i dont show it to anyone. i keep my happy clappy personality on the front, because that is who i prefer to be. and it is who i am, its not fake, i just have this small facet of my personality which i dont like, but is always there, when im alone. i dont like to be alone. i need to be saved from myself. but at the same time, i need to be alone sometimes, i need to let my slightly depressed broody, upset for no reason side shine through. just not all the time. i guess that why i like to write down my thoughts, cause i get to actually think this way. then i can get it out of my system and be me again. the me that i like, that people know and love.
i guess im the sit at home and stay on my computer kinda girl.
please dont hate me for my inside...